Unbelivable I was sick of the lies that lynsei was telling my mom was right she was a bad influence and I hate myself for beliving I could help her.My friend was smoking and she was drinking too.She was only sixteen she had a young little girl(Michelle) who was only two and Lynsei was pregnet.
Michelle was indangered in a horrible inviorment I couldn't let Lynsei get away with it so I called the cops on my cell phone she drove with a suspended licence and Michelle was taken away.I visited Lynsei in jail and asked her if she wanted anything she told me"honey if you can get my licence back or bring my daughter here so that I can explain what happened then yes you can do alot,who would call the cops on me you know if I ever find out who did that I will kill them."I knew she did'n't know it was me.
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140,907 Literary Works • 673,718 Reviews
It looks like you wrote it really fast. I agree with the others: it is prose, and the runover sentences are more like narrative poetry than actual fiction. It's good nonetheless. I can feel for the characters in it.
And maybe you should add more imagery, simply by saying something about her living in a filthy trailer park or something along the lines.
And the spelling! Under the table where you type, there's a button that says "Spell Check". Try it sometime.
Otherwise, fascinating!
Stanzas, PLEASE! It reads like a story, a really short one, but a story none the less.
Interesting, but... odd. Even as fiction, I think that this is really a stream-of-consciousness peice. Work on it a little, and I'd be glad to come and recrit it in its new and improved form. Not bad, though, as a stream of consciousness.
Two words, darling: spell & check.
There are a lot of spelling errors that a spell checker would've picked up on. (There's a free spell checker here, if your computer lacks one for whatever reason. Also, Google Documents has a spell check feature and can be used to back up your work.)
I think this is some pretty interesting subject matter: it takes a lot to "rat out" a friend like that. However, there was a lot of telling and not enough showing. Elaborate on the details a little bit: tell us what the narrator is feeling, or what Lynsei looks like, or what the cops sound like on the phone. Maybe explain why Lynsei got there: why did she start doing drugs? I'd recommend reading Claudette's article on how to make the reader feel. This is very emotional subject matter, but you I didn't get a lot of emotion out of your story.
I think what you've got is a good start, just expand on what you've got and add a little more depth and detail to it. It's a very good plot with a nifty little twist, it just needs some flling in.
*moves to Other Fiction*
Also, instead of shouting out to mods, feel free to PM us.
It could be a prose-poem...but I doubt it. This sounds more like a journal entry than anything.
I'm very sorry but this does not belong in the Poetry section
*Shouts out to Mods*